Monday, January 8, 1996 1:30ish PM

My mind is traveling from one aspect of the situation to the next at a blinding pace. Attempting to make sense of it all, being pissed at myself for putting me here, will I ever see my kids again, is my daughter okay, what am I going to do next, I promised I’d be back into work tonight, why am I here ?

A couple of years before, in 1994, my sister in law had a massive Heart Attack. In her case she had the best of the best at the hospital. The team pulled every stop and even went beyond the normal procedures to not let her go. I remembered her discussions of her near death experience. She spoke of floating detached while watching the team working on her, bright lights, a feeling of peace taking her over. Would I see the lights, or would I just go quietly to sleep?

At some point I must have lost consciousness as I only remember waking up in the ER with tubes and beeping sounds, and needles sucking blood out of me. Then I am gone again and become aware of a room. There is another person in a bed to my left and toward the windows. More tubes, and a constant flow of air on my face from the Oxygen Mask which is very bothersome to me.

This was the beginning of a major life change that over the past 10 years has made for many ups and downs in my life as I learned to cope with my COPD.

Not being able to work anymore and having to accept a life of disability.

The reality of life where 5 to 8 days in the Hospital with Pneumonia at least 2 times a year became the standard.

At the beginning my Pulmonologist estimated my life span to be between 5 to 10 years with the probability of it being towards the higher end of that time frame. Since that time Medication advancements have given me hopes of an extended period of time.

I now am looking forward to a great deal more time with my family and friends, and if all goes well come this April I will celebrate my first full 12 month period with out having to spend time in the hospital. 1 year? A Big deal? Yes. In my situation small steps are huge victories.

The bottom line? If you smoke…STOP!  
If you don’t. NEVER START!